Saturday, April 30, 2011

How to be ‘COOL’

I am writing too much humor I thought why not try something serious. And by serious I mean dead serious. I come across a lot of people daily who think they are COOL but they are I thought may be I could come up with some ideas to help those this is as serious as it can get. I thought of 10 steps to help them out of their here goes:

1. Develop an accent: yeah maite!u head it rightie! Start using all sort of crap lingo. Come up wid your own abbreviations and keep dropping them at regular intervals in conversations. And wait for the other person to make a weird face and den drop say something like “u ve GATTA b Sh^%$n me” and stuff like that. Gives you an edge over your peers and those a little slow than you will start worshipping you!

2. Go weird: whoever said being weird is fashionable was DEAD on! Go bald, try Mohawk. Do something that gets people talking about you and then come up with something like “don’t you read the fashion magZ’s? This look is all ___(fill in the blanks with an appropriate big-ass designer’s) are talking about”. Going all HIP HOPP-HER might help too.

3. Act as if you give a crap: be informed about all the hunger strikes, air strikes, medical strikes (frankly just flip pages of any newspaper and you will find some or the other guy going on strike for demand of his). Pretend you care for him/her or the cause. JUST pretend! Doing anything might make you down-market. Keep asking random people that they look sad. Everyone has a sad story of the day and someday you might get lucky and have something to laugh about later on (people mistake other people enquiries as a emotional dump yard)

4. Get a pet: oh yes this ranks up there with the biggies and it might get you the required ooh and aah’s with the women folks. You might not be a pet person but pretend you love the pet more than yourself. just make sure it’s a costly breed (getting some animal breed no one has heard of from FAREN will earn you brownie points!) and best still you can kick his butt when no one’s around. I still don’t get why people go to all troubles for that stupid looking Chihuahua. It can’t even bark to save its life.

5. Act intellectual: for this act you will have to be very careful with the names you drop here and there. You cannot be seen using anything that other people use. For example books. Pretend you are reading some self-improvement book and quote 2-3 Deepak chopra or robin sharma crap. There is a 83.2% chance of people believing you because no one actually reads all that. You can also go for some weird named writers; the trick is to make sure people haven’t heard of him/her.

6. Pretend you like heavy metal: Do this only if you want guys to take you seriously. And the best part is you don’t even have to listen to what the guy is singing. Most of the time its plain noise with lots of guitar sound and people with long hair jumping around trying to make melody. But jus grooving your head with the music will get you the tag of metal-head, knucklehead or what not (wackiest you can choose).
DISCLAIMER: NEVER try metal on females. They hate it.

6. Turn to Goth: start abusing god for your every screwed up act or everything bad that has happened to you.(remember Deewar!) Make sure you flaunt it properly. As in keep dropping words like ‘anti-Christ’,’atheist’,’catholic’ ….well you get the picture. You don’t even have to be Christian to do that. Keep pulling your peers in random discussions about god until they are fed up and they brand you Evil. Wear a upside down cross for better results.

8. Get inked: get a tattoo. Make sure it’s some language none of your peer understands. So you can make it mean whatever you want to. Single meaning tattoos don’t go with the mood everywhere you see. Do think of a weird mythological connect as to how you got inspired and all that crap while you get drilled. And yes it PAIN’S to get one. Get a temporary one if you are not a big fan of needles, not many people know the difference. And get it where you can show it off.
Remember tattoos= MACHO!

9. Click Pictures: ever wondered why page 3 people feature on page 3? No matter where you go, make sure you get yourself clicked in all possible camera angles. And by that I mean even when you go to the local graveyard. The trick is to look sad or happy when the need be (glycerin could be a very helpful tool here). Click picture and put it for other people to see with weird captions like me here, me there, me blah blah blah. I am sure no one gives a crap about your life but sometimes it’s good to have a misconception.

And finally if nothing works,

10: Suicide: if still people don’t take you seriously you could try jumping from your office building. Or you could pull that sholay stuff on people you hate before you actually plan to jump. India’s population is some 120 million anyways. you could do the world a favor by ending your pathetic sorry life. Getting really drunk for this part might prove helpful. And please don’t fail at this. It’s the easiest of the lot.

Or alternately you could come find me. I would be glad to help you out of your sorry,miserable life by strangling you to death.

Monday, April 25, 2011

riders on storm:my kerala adventures-part-2

When I reached in Kerala and found myself standing on roads looking for conveyance to roam around I found 2 ways to do so: bus or autos and they could give serious competition to each other on HOW-TO-DIE-FASTER scale

Sit just once in any of the aforementioned god forsaken mode of transport and you will know that DGCA isn’t the only department that needs checking. I can bet 50 bucks that these people were some F1 drivers or something and landed in Kerala by mistake.

1. Buses: The fact that strikes the 1st timer the most is the color of the buses which is red. That could mean a lot of things. When I got into 1 of the buses, the driver couldn’t care less and I almost fell back on the road when a gentleman held me with his hand, because buses in Kerala don’t have gates or windows. Instead they have drapes on the windows in case of sudden rain or in a very possible emergency when you suddenly realize that the driver is actually drunk and need to jump to save your life. Talk about being multi purpose! There are ropes inside bus connected to a bell near jus in case you are feeling lucky, you can try testing your Calcium Sandoz bone strength by jumping from the window itself. And oh don’t try to pull the macho act in buses. Cling on to something anything you can find if you want to survive the journey in 1 piece because using the brakes is forbidden on corners. The drivers look certified drunkards still annoyed that force India didn’t come to Kerala for driver recruitment. I could certainly feel how f1 drivers would be feeling trapped inside that small vehicle. And time an again their will be some gentleman trying to shove his THIS-IS-KERALA-MAN thing up your nose.

2. Autos: statuary warning: don’t ever get into autos in Kerala if you have a heart problem or you don’t like the phrase “heart in your mouth”. And being an atheist doesn’t help either. You will need to believe in a supreme power, which can control everything. Because trust me the moment you sit in some auto after much yelling and signal talking, you cant help your hand fold in the praying position. Apparently there is no speed limit for autos. And consider yourself lucky if you can survive an auto trekking without bruises or broken bones. Pay the gentleman, thank your good heavens and go live the happy life. When two autos at speed of sound pass each other on a rain drenched road, you can’t do anything but pray for your life.

Going somewhere in Kerala is a real TASK, if you know what I mean. You actually have to keep your life on the line for that.

PS-people are really good if they are not driving something mechanical


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The JEANS incident: my Kerala adventures-part 1

When I Google’d up Kochi (or Ernakulum as it is fondly called) after my posting location mail appeared before me a number of things came up which I found out later were of no use. But one advice by a senior of mine turned to be true and how.

When I landed in Kochi it was raining as ALWAYS, that’s right.kerala’s rain capital is kochi which is 2nd rainiest place in India. and once every 4 years takes over the crown from cherapunji as the rainiest place in India. it was the 4th year. And it rained cats and dogs day and night.
Rain causes moisture and my clothes would get fungus in 2-3 days if left in open. it were as if god wanted me to hav the taste of life when everything is against you how do u live

I was a trainee with my first firm and people were of all kinds,ranging from pretty good to shrewd to complete I-CAN-BLOW-YOUR-BRAINS-OFF kinds jackasses.and I wasn’t doing what you would call particularly well with my training. it’s simple.


But coder and other geniuses weren’t making it any easier for me. I was sick, sleep deprived and felt completely out of place. We would have to travel some 12-13 km’s to reach a decent market but somehow It was not the most weird part. It was the good old sardaarji who saved my life for 6 month’s(he deserves a special mention so more on that later).
Oh by the way did I mention that food in Kerala is unbearable if u like mild spices and are not fond of coconut oil,that’s right coconut oil.and lets just stick to the good old “IT STINKS”. You don’t want to try that.dont fall for god’s own country crap on that front.pack your food or find me I will give you that sardar ji’s number. Moving on the moisture,food and training thing had made me a little cranky(read PSYCHO if u want to).
So on another rain drenched night when my rommie wanted to go for shopping it was a perfect nightmare in making. We went out nevertheless in rain and trust me when you are out on roads looking for a auto or something to get into while it rains, is absolutely NOT FUNNY or ROMANTIC.
We reached the only decent place to shop in the city, THE MALL that is, found ourselves the cheapest shirt they had,we enquired it was made of plastic, that’s right no cleaning required for 15 straight days. TRIED AND TESTED! Gross u say? Go live in kerala for 6 months and we will talk
My friend wanted a jeans for himself so he went ahead and bought jeans

while I indulged myself with baskin-robbins,and then we went looking for autos for back home.
I was carrying 4 bags and my roomie was carrying 4,#monthlyshoppingroutine’s
So 1 stop for the good old dosa and we were back in our igloos

After some 1 hour or so of catching our breath and un-DRENCHING roomie came back and said
“dude,where is the jeans???”
“Crap.i couldn’t find it.damn you weather.” I said I will pay him back because it was my mistake obviously.tried hard but cudnt remember where I left it amidst all the rush
I was so pissed off for 2-3 days that I wanted to hit that bloody trainer. She was a female so execution was put to rest but it was like universe wanted me to hit someone, somewhere very badly.
I even zeroed in on few people, but diplomacy always comes into play,DAMNIT!

So I went about my pathetic life in kerala normally when 1 day we visited the shop again for that dosa and the shopkeeper told us in his GLAD-I-COULD-SPEAK hindi
“aapka saaman reh gaya tha auto mein us raat ko,auto wala keh raha tha.itni costly jeans khareedte ho?”
At first I thought he was making jokes, but then he took out the bag and their it was safe and sound
I thanked my heavens for that auto guy.never got a chance to meet him again though.

Psst:next time when you leave something in some auto or bus or any public transport,be sure it will be returned to you safe and sound if they can trace you back.god’s own country indeed!

Had so many adventures to pen down in 1 post.will write more about other things


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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

How to shop for a LADY’s BAG? - A firsthand description!

I am not going to teach you how to because it’s still a mystery to me. But thank heavens I was not at the receiving end of all the BAG BACHAN. I needed to buy some deodorant for myself and so when to some up market store where they have all sort of ladies selling perfumes. And till date I have no clue why ladies selling men’s deo helps improve sales in any way!
Moving on I found a poor looking guy behind the desk, looked as if he was juggling too many things.

Before I could ask him, a female voice appeared from behind
“Bhaiya is there any1 on this counter? How much for this bag?” There were two of them
That guy’s face was HORRFIED to say the least, I was about to know why
“Oh, no one is here. My god!” shopkeeper looked at me helplessly, I gave my consent
“Attend to them please” (don’t know who coined the stupid “ladies first” term. gets to me every time)
And then I noticed, they were looking for handbags, and there were hundreds of them.big, small, REALLY BIG, really small, two-fold, one-fold blah blah blah blah
Frankly speaking I got lost with the number(s)

In the mean time the guy came back with the price of the bag
“this 1 luks nice isn’t it” the gurls had forgotten about the earlier bag altogether and this was a completely new piece, poor guy!
All this while I was noticing that those gurls had scanned the whole shop and I was surprised to see how they could differentiate between the bags. It was all very confusing to me. Thank god they didn’t ask me for an opinion. I mean how does the number of chains it has or the number of folds any criteria of how good it is?
Which reminds me, not once did the ladies ask about the quality of the leather or whatever the bags were made of, not that the guy was any less frustrated by the rest of the questions
The helping female has found a piece in the heap
“How does this look?”
“Good but isn’t it a little big” HULLO. Aren’t you looking for a spacious bag?
It was like what property went in favor of 1 could go entirely as a deal breaker for the other.1 had more chains, other had less,1 had more space with more chains other had less chains more space

“Don’t you have this design in these chain kinds?”
I was unable to understand how they could not have made whatever kind they are looking for. There were almost THOUSAND’s of bags. It’s not possible (GOD!)
The shopkeeper guy was full frustrated with the proceedings till now and he had to ask the question
“What is that you want exactly?” I can truly understand what the poor soul would be going through

And the golden rule while buying anything the women folks follow is ‘the shopkeeper shouldn’t get a whiff of what exactly you want. Keep him guessing and tire him the most so in the end he will happily give you the rebate so you would let him be in peace’
“We will know when we see it!” expression-less face, still scanning the place like TERMINATOR. I am sure she was having a really good time at the poor guy’s expense
Shopkeeper’s face looked like he was about to cry because the problem with the above sentence is that it doesn’t come with a time LIMIT
And I was thanking my good lord I am not married
in the mean time there was another female who came and found some bag which she claimed that some other shop were selling at 20 bucks less
This was enough for the guy to go completely BALLIS-TIC

“Why don’t go to that shop and buy it. Why bother wasting so much time if u know we will sell it a higher prices” women’s face was clueless and she was taken aback
I won’t blame the shopkeeper
‘Poor woman’ I thought to myself.
The ladies finally found a bag for themselves after some half an hour of BARBARIC mind boggling.the shop guy would have thanked his lords
my deodorant took 5 mins to DECIDE+SWIPE+PACK (men ROCK!) thanks to the free time I had because of the nomadic shopping by those females
The shopkeeper would have done some good deed in his previous life I supposed was expecting the session to last a few hours at least
I learned a lesson that day. ‘don’t ever respond when asked opinion for when women folks are shopping.its no use’
Psst- I also noticed a guy(HUSBAND) standing near the counter waiting for his turn after he shouted
“bill karwa lun ?”
“karwa lo…kuch aur pasand aayega to batati hun?” and she went back FOR-THE-HUNT


Saturday, April 9, 2011

What dreams are made of(in conversation with mr bapu Gandhi himself) –Part II

Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people”- abraham lincoln

So dis tym it happened again.didnt know when I slept but now bapu was sitting on my bed when I woke up.

Now from last time
What dreams r MADE of?(in conversation wid mr BAPU GANDHI himself)
I knew for sure it was a dream so I was kind of relaxed(read less freaked out) this time

He started.

Mr G- dude u sleeping??...didnt go to jantar mantar?

Me- ya bapu its weekend.we only get 2 days in a week

G- and how about the person who hasn’t slept for 4 days and night so u could hav a better governing body……

M-i kno bapu,I read about it.i planed to go yesterday,day before that but every time something came up

G-how lame is that.someone is ready to put his line on line for our country and you cudnt care less.i am disappointed son.very bad

M-but bapu cant I support him from here?is it neccecary to go there and hog the limelight by shouting slogans?(the patriotic sense creeping in me now…I was fully awake now)remember when bhagat singh was fighting for his cause in jail,not every1 could be with him

G-yes I rermeber,he was jus 23 then and went without food for 146 days.i still feel sorry for I could have done a little more than what I did only if his methods were right

M-ya I know bapu you ppl had ideologies differences but that doesn’t make him any less a freedom fighter.didnt ppl go without food for a day volunteerily to support him

G-yes I remember.i thought that as a bad influence then,but whats your point?

M-my point is I might not have got the time to go to jantar mantar or india gate for some commitment of mine.but to support the cause I gave up 1 time meal in the day(oh yes I have!)

G-really? So what is the govt’s story on that front?

M-they are still stuck wid “THIS IS NOT RIGHT” attitude.but bapu did u see how so many ppl came up for a cause?

G-yaa I am so happy.actually democracy is rightly defined as BY THE PEOPLE.
The govt has to b scared of people.
When they keep testing people’s patience something of this sort happens.

M-yes and considering that bhagat singh’s death anniversary jus passed.isnt it like déjà vu(in case you are wondering,it was 23rd march)

G-yes so happy.he was just 23 and had did so much.wonder how many people can do it these days

M-people will,Mr G,uprising starts from 1 single step….btw hav u seen “RANG DE BSANTI”…

“abet u fir bakwaas kar raha hai need mein??”

M- “time kya ho raha hai?” (I was smiling)

And started getting ready to witness history at jantar mantar ☺ ☺

democracy might not be the best thing but it’s the only option until something better comes up


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

This 1's for you master

Finally the day or shud I say nite arrived wen the master himself got hold of the T-H-E world cup…and I m so happie for him.yes im also happie coz my country won dat but most of all I m happie for the man who has all the d record a batsman can drea of under his belt and now he has the final missing jewel in his crown to flaunt.

U had to see him dancing in the field after that huge 6 off last ball which was first OFFICIAL helicopter shot in d world cup after so much persuation by the pepsi ppl(too bad murlidharan cudnt get a foto finish to his final appearance)

But most of all the man got what he deserved…finally and how…in his home country in front of his home crowd.he will surely not b around wen india plays dere next world DOWN UNDER(how I wish to god he plays!),but deep down inside we know he wont.he is gonn ahang his boots netym in dis year or next year at max.and indian cricket will b left wid d biggest question which its neva thought of answering in their wildest dream

After Tendulkar….WHO?

Wen I was growing up I wud invariably switch off my tv wen he wasn’t playin.and for some 21 years we hav been seeing the man batting and breaking 1 record after another.he gave us Indians wat we r so deprived of..HOPE!

Ppl wud identify his victories as dere own.his fan base is across india and all oer cricketing nations.not a single scam or a bad publicity news for 21 years.

Indians always saw dere better self in dey wished dat he s the reflection of wat we never cud b.and every time he comes to bat,about a billion eyes r always trailing him askin him to deliver and he never complaint.

So I m scared,very scared to even think of the day wen dere wudnt b a guy who can keep d hopes afloat.ppl somehow feel “SACHIN HAI NAA!...JEET JAYENGE”
Try arguing wid that ;)

I m not goin on the contender list or d date of his retirement but jus a thot that it’s nearing and some1 has a big,big and I mean REALLY BIG responsibility to take,the responsibility to give smile to 100 million faces across state,religion, caste,place.

Jus paryin india finds its successor soon.

THIS 1’s FOR YOU mr. TENDULKAR…don’t let the feeling sink in



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