Sunday, July 24, 2011

My name is _________ and I am not a terrorist: the story of a bike rider

I recently got a bike and I am pissed! Now before you jump to any conclusion, let me start by saying that the bike is awesome. I might exactly feel like god per se but that’s completely different point. Its the paper work that’s pissing me off. Whenever you purchase a bike or a car, you need to have 2 documents for sure:

1. An address proof and

2. A driver’s license.

And I DON’T have both. Oh yes not even a driving license. Let me explain!

1. Address proof: the problem of address proof has plagued me before on many occasions as well but I somehow I managed but now its really pissing me off. I mean how many times so I have to prove that I don’t plan to diffuse a bomb in the city I am currently living in? I work in a company dude, I earn my living from the peanuts(I refuse to call that salary) they give me every freaking month and I don’t plan to BLOW that up, figuratively and literally speaking. But the guy who sells stuff will absolutely refuse to buy the logic!
Who give’s a rats ass about logic anyway(not that I want one)
So I have to go with the same old sentence perfect by practicing over years

“I don’t have a house in this city.i live in a p.g.”
the last word gets his eyebrows raised as he just stumbled upon some porn magazine in his kid’s room
“but you ll have to get me an address proof” (now common, were you even listening what I said just now?)

… and the discussion continued.

I mean I do live in this country so why get grilled every time?

2. Driving License: in India you can drive trucks if you want to without hitting people on road of course. If you are adamant, try for DTC buses (pun intended!). driving license is necessary only when you get caught without your purse. And if you plan to apply for a driving license just because you know how to ride a bike or drive a 4-wheeler, WAIT! and no 1 cares if you dont have the time to get a driving license.thats completely your headache

a) Do you have an address proof?

b) Do you have an identity proof?

c) Can you prove that you don’t plan to bomb this city?

every time the same drill, same discussion just because I don’t own a flat in the city I currently live in.

So naturally when I went to apply for driving license I was treated to all these questions + the weirdest 1:

You can’t apply until you have lived in this place for at least 10 months.

And if you plan to drive before that in the city, well didn’t we tell you India is progressing with a gross GDP of 8.blah blah %?

Don’t you get irritated when faced with such situations?
do share


Sunday, July 17, 2011

How do you know you work in IT

Its almost a year since I have started working in, you guessed it right, IT.its been good to bad to weird to downright ABSURD and have noticed quite a few things which makes it different from other walks of occupation. So how do you know you work in IT

You know you work in IT When/IF:

1. You believe there is no point going out for lunch/dinner if drinks are not involved

2. You know that Escalations have nothing to do with stairs

3. You have 2 cell phones 1 of which you never carry to office and only your family and friends know about it

4. You know the places where liquor is available 24*7 even on dry days

5. Writing mails is way more important than the work you do. It’s an art and you always wonder how you managed to work without mails while in college

6. Anything you find interesting will be if not already is, BLOCKED

7. The most important lesson you have learnt is to never ever argue with your manager. It’s going to backfire for sure.

8. You hate the company and the client you work for.

9. Sleeping between the meetings while still echoing ‘I agree absolutely’ is 1 thing you have perfected

10. You firmly believe that ‘networking’ is an overhyped word.

11. You can’t explain your work to the seniors in your family or their friends

14. Identifying who screwed up is more important than the work itself

15. When asked about weekends the reply HAS to be “I have got plans” if you don’t want to work on Saturdays

16. It’s not official until on mail

17. Everyone knows how to play Ping-Pong

18. Tea and coffee tastes awful but you still drink it because it helps pass time

19. Being on bench is not at all comfortable

20. You know the difference between H1 and B1

21. You think getting a MBA degree will solve most of your problems if not all

22. All your non-IT friends think you are a budding millionaire

23. You know major landmarks in Bangalore as the back of your head

24. ‘SIT’ ‘UAT’ ‘Billable’ ‘Performance testing’ ‘Resource utilization’ ‘Data validation’ are terms that are used everyday and actually make sense to you

25. You hate your job

Have you observed something that’s unique to this job?
Do share

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Can I use your slippers?

People are weird or at least I have been a little unlucky because the one’s I meet are really twisted.i mean how cheap you have to be to ask some one for their slippers to go to the BATHROOM.

dude I know u are NOT going to take bath there

The two incidences that happened which got me so pissed :

Incident 1:

Bangalore bound ‘Karnataka express’ from New Delhi railway station

‘Tuesday or Thursday not sure’

I boarded the train and was trying to sleep when this guy came and started unpacking a lot of stuff and got into his bikini things. *Lights off* and I am back to my sleep

Next day I am sitting on the lower berth planning to get something to eat

Bikini guy: can I use your slippers?

Me: excuse me?

B.G.: aapka chappal use kar sakta hun.bathroom jaana hai? (can I use your slippers, need to go to bathroom)

Oh and did I mention there was a FEMALE in the same compartment with her mother who asked me my CASTE before offering me food. And the female has already captured my book and said THANKS in advance. Without asking, of course!(this requires another blog post altogether)

Me: no way. (Actually I wanted to punch that guy for calling my brand new puma FLIP FLOP’s as chappals)

B.g.: its just once

Me: ye kya tareeka hai? Main nahin de sakta(what is this? I cant give I am sorry)

I had to leave the compartment for the fear that he will steal my slippers for the whole day. I came back only to sleep in the night


Incident 2:

Gurgaon last weekend

We shifted our pg and were forced to adjust with this guy as he was to leave the room the next day. This guy was different from the other guy in train.
His idea of conversation was yelling in the phone as loud as he could get while also chewing something *puuuuchhhhhh* yes. Now KILEAR VOICE.

Guy:aap kahan se hain? (WHERE ARE FROM?)

Me:*trying to avoid* kya? (what?)

Guy: nahin chappal chahiye tha zara bathrum jaana hai(actually I wanted your SILLIPERS.need to go the bathroom)

And guess what, this guy didn’t even wait for my nod.took my slippers and disappeared while simultaneously explaining some person how to RESPACT PEEPUL.


And this brings me to the question: why are people so weird? And how can you ask someone for slippers to go to the bathroom?

You cant even bath there, even if you want to..BLOODY FOOLS!

have you met such people?


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Words/sentences women love to speak

Women are interesting because of so many of them being that they love to speak some words/sentences repeatedly in conversations. This is my observation and i DON’T expect you to agree with me.

1. You are not doing it right: women love to do things perfectly, according to them. So when asked for advice they will gladly point out what is not right but not even once they will spit out what is it they are trying to imply. Thats for you to guess!

2. We don’t talk/ You don’t listen: ‘talking’ to women is like an isotope of oxygen, they need to talk about things, on things, things that matter, things that don’t and things that are around, distant, not-even-there or pretty much everything no 1 gives a crap about. And women’s idea of conversation is that you should be actively cribbing with them. I am sure you don’t want to pick up a fight by contradicting but saying ‘yaa yaa’ ‘haan’ ‘you are right’ is NOT helping your cause

3. Awwwwwwwwww: it is the cutest possible face a women can make which can make you go weak in your knees but 99.67% time you wont be the object of will be some street dog/cat/whale/shark i.e. animals which don’t fly or crawl and then comes a lot of cursing the system, society or every other thing she can think is responsible for that

p.s. women hate animals that fly and crawl

4. I am/was busy: a common reply when she doesn’t want to talk. It basically means ‘don’t bother me you moron’. most of the time this words comes up when you left a message, called or pinged on chat. Don’t bother asking busy with what, you are inviting trouble

5. No: This is the favorite word of the females who DON’T like to talk too much. Oh yes these kinds exist and they like to keep it simple by downright refusing everything. They don’t mean any offense, they just don’t like you talking and they are too lazy to say it on your face

6. I don’t like it : don’t even bother arguing with this if you have heard the phrase “hitting your head on the wall doesn’t make a difference to the wall”. It’s a very long list. You will have to be very attentive to the details or else next time there will be a I-TOLD-YOU-SO face staring at you

7. I am not like other girls, they are stupid: I am sure every one of us had teacher who had this ‘I am not like other teachers’ theory but all of them eventually ‘taught’ same goes for the above sentence. In the end all women are just that, Women

8. What’s so good about BEER/ Why do people drink? : for some reason unknown to a lot of male souls on planet, women and beer don’t reason no argument. Just that. They hate beer because they cant put the finger on 1 thing that is interesting about the thing. The same though does not apply to whiskey, rum, brandy, vodka question same as every one else. WHY?

9. Whatever: this word is “go to hell, may you get burnt and then eaten alive by some giant dinosaur or get thrashed by some car or bike ” in disguise. Women don’t like loosing an argument so the moment they don’t seem to have the winning egde they utter this word. It’s a sign,drop the argument if you want to save your life because you never hear the silent part that follows the word

10. I didn’t know: this is the most common reply to even the easiest of GK question because women don’t like reading papers and they are clueless about most of the happenings around the world. And this sentence is succeeded by the cutest face made by the women in question so you cant even question her

11. Hmmmmmmm/Mmmmmmmm/Yummmmmm: I am not even sure if they make sounds like this while typing or writing but in conversation these words make random appearance. And the word ‘Hmmmmm’ is the greatest ‘conversation killer’ invented by just breaks your enthusiasm to talk.

12. I have no clothes, what would I wear?: the CLASSIC women act.all the women utter this sentence the moment there is a party/gathering/marriage/function/occasion invitation on the way and every women DISAGREES with the other women she s talking to. Grass is always greener on the other side indeed

13. I so Looooooove it/that/you/whatever: they say it so many times that you can learn to almost ignore the words.will take time but it will sink in. most of the time its those mwah mwah conversations women have where all these love beans are thrown

14. Downmarket: it refers to the self-declared-macho men most of the time much to their displeasure. The men in question are always 3-day shaven chewing something like retarded cows and looking at women as if any moment they can ask for “you-know-what” which of course doesn’t they are kind on inviting comments like that and hence the word!

15. I am never on phone : not a singl women agress to this if you or any other person brings it to their notice. Women don’t like to be contradicted so next time DON’T BOTHER

pro tip: even if u show the call records, wont help.

16. Men are stupid : 98.7% of all the women agree to the fact that men are stupid breed who grow hair, don’t shave, don’t have dressing sense, don’t use cologne, drink beer, indulge in stupid man nights and talk stupid. All these women take pitty on the the rest (100-98.7)% women, who are just lazy to crib about it. TRUE STORY!

Some guy said “oh Women! Cant live with them, cant live without them”. I agree a way god made them different so men will find them amusing and run behind them and so life will be interesting. after all what will be life without pretty lady!

do you know some other words/sentences women share




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