Sunday, July 29, 2012

Type of people at theatre

If you have had the chance of watching movies in different towns in india, you won’t argue with the fact that audiences are different everywhere. Ranging from the rusty single screen theatre in interiors of north india which actually feels for the actor (notice faijal khan in theatre watching trishool in GOW?) to the pseudo uber- cool i-don’t-watch-hindi-movies audiences normally found in south direction of India’s metros. Having said that, I ve tried to classify moviegoers by their reactions and came up with 7 kinds. They are:

1. The Corleone’s: ever been to a movie when the entire row, save for 2-3 seats is filled with ‘NACHOS KISKE PASS HAIN?’ ‘BOLA THA NA MIRINDA LENA’ ‘THIS IS MEDIUM, DID YOU ASK FOR LARGE?’ People. Yes, they are *munch* *munch* *munch* THE family. These normally consist of more than 1 couple, 2-3 VERY LOUD children who mistake theatre for a park and an elderly person who is constantly looking if they are in the right seat(s).

2. Child bearers: more often than not, part of the Corleone’s and, after rigorous research, is proven to be a major reason most people decide not to have kids, EVER! Because when I pay for a movie ticket, I don’t want someone explaining why that guy shot the other guy and why are they kissing now. And NO my hair is NOT part of your entertainment tax. This pretty much answers the question, why they check for knives before entering into theatres. According to unconfirmed reports, this topic will be covered in next season of SMJ.

3. Busy guy:  this guy is basically either the leading member of Carleone or is flying solo and constantly updating people that he is in the theatre. By the end of movie, however good or bad it is, you are sure to remember his ring tone and are most probably looking to elbow him in his nuts. Oh, he will be a Blackberry owner,have very strong feelings about android and if pressed harder, will cry his heart out about how he can’t afford an iPhone.

4. Mushi mushi couple’s: if you are wondering why do you need to pay 750 for a movie ticket, or why someone without a scar on his face would, find these people and shoot them. Normally found with a gprs enabled phone and nobody told them that they could actually talk to each other instead of those muah muah’s on fb wall. Also, they go ballistic at mere mention of word ‘Relationship’

5. The ORACLE: ever had one of those moments when you have stopped the popcorn just short of your mouth because actor has ventured outside in the woods and is showing his brilliance by trying to strike up a conversation. And suddenly someone from back row says ‘he will die now’. You turn back to curse and hear a *STAB* sound. They know everything about movie and try to enlighten other people. Given a chance, 98.43% of human species would like to gas these people inside theatres.

6. Sarcastic witch: these guys are mostly delusional and feel their responsibility to fill in for any joke that didn’t work with the audience. And since theatre doesn’t particularly allow verbal communication during the movie, they assume a silent ovation at their remark by themselves and keep going. Normally found in single screen theatres and are die-hard salmaan khan fans.

7. Whistlers: normally the guy sitting next to the sarcastic witch, whistles every time either the actor or the actress flexes his/her muscles which leaves a lot of people confused about their orientations #ifyouknowwhatimean least irritating of the bunch but is known to induce inferiority complex because not everyone is blessed with art of whistling

 These are the types I could figure out in all these years. There are ofcourse more like ‘Gigling females’, ‘beauty and the beast’,’the college gang’. Have you had an experience with any of these in theatres? Do share \m/oO\m/

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Main samay hun

This past week I went from sad/happy to sad to *insert a feeling when you are a little tired to emote*, and while the rains tried to nullify it, our govt (and some youth’s apparent) is just brilliant. It all started when a certain Time magazine decided to do what every media house in india has failed to, called our esteemed PM for what he is, i.e.,  ‘Underachiever’. My first reaction was of disbelief and I tried to rubbish it as some spoof of some kind but when reality dawned upon me, I was both ROFL happy and sad. Happy because premier of a nation gets reduced to a joke, and sad because that guy happens to be the head of my country. What followed was a major uproar from every tom, dick and harry who had even the slightest chance of getting into good books of a certain *you know who* Gandhi. This was anything but surprising, considering our representative’s record with harmless cartoons isn’t very enthusiastic.
 Media houses, got intellectuals including likes of suhel seth (would work for whatever this guy smokes in his free time), mahesh bhatt, shobha de, prahalaad Kakkar and the likes to express/debate their views on this burning issue at hand, all of whom live under the delusion that common people give a *insert a certain animal’s body part* about their views. And ‘Shoot The Messenger’ being our country’s national policy after ‘Thou Shalt Treat Tax Payer’s Money As Your Own’, it seemed much for feasible to just question the audacity and character of everyone related to the editor–in chief of the magazine in question (dude, if you are reading this: next time we meet, drinks on me). Mamta banerjee’s official response is still awaited because possibility of a rollback isn’t likely is this situation, and since magazine’s border is more or less red, well let’s not get there. At the time of writing, it wasn’t exactly clear whether the editor was secular or not so digvijay singh and kapil sibal have reserved their comments until then.

 While I was trying to take all this with a pinch of salt and wondering how to make fun of this entire episode (yes, I laughed at the magazine cover, SHOOT ME), came the ‘royal flush’ of them all. Youth congress, led by the youngest of them all, *you know who* Gandhi, decided to retaliate by burning the copies of, to the bewilderment of guys at Time in united states, Times of India. Yes, you read it right; they burnt copies of ‘Times of India’ to protest against the insensitive, delusional, corrupt and sick foreign mentality of ‘Time magazine’.  Don’t ask. I would like to take this chance to, whatever its worth, nominate the guy who ordered this immediately for nobel ‘piece’ prize. What lesser mortals like you and I fail to see is both the newspapers had Time in their title. Hence, BURN!
As the drama unfolded in various stages, our esteemed Prime minister, with all due respect, did what he has been doing since he took office, i.e. pushed the mute button and remained in hibernation. Frankly speaking, I have no clue why they keep comparing ceaser’s wife with him. For starters, I have never heard of her in all history that I read. And of course, the obvious gender differences. All of it makes as much sense to me as does the lane splitter’s to the common man also known as ‘WHY HAVE THEY DRAWN LINE ON THE ROAD?'.
To the guy who gave green signal to the cover, Well played *slow clap*

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Things not to say while in Delhi

*It poured here and I am too happy (read lazy) to write anything, so sharing an old draft*

After having lived in Delhi for almost 2 years, I have successfully concluded that people here can take a joke like no other Indian city (conditions apply). People can laugh at the strangest of things here which is a rare sight in rest of India. Maybe it’s because of the cultural khichdi that the capital has become, I cant put a finger on it. However there are certain things which can get you laughed at, punched or even killed. dont tell me i didn't warn you, here goes:

1.   Metro station and railway station are two DIFFERENT things?


3.   Oh yes, Aakar patel and me are childhood buddies. Nice fellow that.

4. What exactly does ‘tumhaare maa ki aankh’ means?

5. Where do I find ‘phecho’?

6. Pakistani team has better players this time, they might win.

7. All Punjabi’s are sardaar’s no?

8. Since 1800, its being called ‘nayi sadak’ only?

9. Why are you people doing bale balle all the time?

10. You know Kerala has highest literacy rate in India.

11. Suggest a nice place to have dosa no?

12. Oh my god, you don’t know who your dad is?

13. This Kareem’s fellow is a big con man. I have had better kebabs.

14. You are lying, it’s not possible that you are from Delhi.

15. Ye road tere baap ki hai kya?

16. But you know I kind of agree with the madrasan.

17. You mean this qutub guy died while building this tower? What a fool.

18. Akon is way better than Honey singh.

19. Whats with you people and butter?

So now you have a fair idea why people get into fights here? Because they cant stop saying these sentences to each other. Also, there might be some of them I missed so don’t push your luck too much while visiting Delhi for the first time.
(some friends came to visit Delhi for the first time is what inspired this post) \m/oO\m/

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Step by step guide to after-marriage behavior: dummy ladiss guide

Ladies, after getting married behave, or are expected to behave, different. And it is same everywhere. I tried to list some of the after- marriage behavior. Without further ado or Scooby dooby doo, here goes:

Step 1: Get married.

Step 2: Update relationship status to ‘Married to..’, change profile picture to couple pic. Harass the other half to do so.

Step 3: upload xxxxx number of pictures with weird captions and reply to each comment meticulously. If they don’t like your comment, threaten suicide.

Step 4: Keep tab of who wished and who didn’t while also pretending to be super busy.

Step 5: Look for cues to go into detailed discussion of how your married life is different and it doesn’t suck at all!

Step 6: Make it a point to wear hell lot of bangles to workplace.

Step 7: Start each sentence with ‘you know my husband also….’

Step 8: Grab single guys and take pity on them about how they don’t know what it is they are missing.

Step 9: Get up and go to the nearest corner when your phone rings while also smiling profusely so EVERYONE knows who it is (WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE).

Step 10: Reply everyone who wishes with ‘oh you should have come’. Now that its over, you can pretend to care.

Step 11: look for married ladiss or people with ‘I HAVE A BOYFRAAND/GIRLFRAAND’ signboard across their chest (or similar location) around you and be super social with them.

Step 12: Standard template of answer to the question ‘How was weekend’ should always contain ‘you know WE thought………, but …….’ ALWAYS.

These are just observations and I would like to say this with utmost sincerity that everything you find similar is fictitious. did you notice something else, have something to add? \m/oO\m/



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