How would Indian batman be like?

I was reading "thor" reviews the other night and it struck me, why we could never do better than good old all powerful shitty shaktiman (emotions have been hurt there?). I have followed only 2-3 episodes but seriously man how many powers can you keep inventing? And then there was that SORRY SHAKTIMAN thing which later went on to become butt of most of the pj’s in India only to be later dethroned by acp praduman and team. And that got me thinking, why didn’t these people come up with a batman kind of all SOPHISTICATED super-hero? I came up with a few explanation of my own



1. Costume: batman lives in Gotham city, which is always shown snowing or raining so he can get away with that heavy leather black suit. Ask him to come to DILLI and wear that suit for one day and next day he ll have to get himself operated for some skin disease. Since India has so diverse weather, superheroes need to revamp their suits and lets be honest the moment they start wearing those half sleeves t-shirts and 3/4th no 1 is going to take them seriously. And god forbid if he goes to Kerala or some rainy place. That costume is going to attract a lot of unwanted attention. He will have to come up with something very different.and I mean really different


2. Ramu kaka: oh yes! Naming the butler the good ol’ Alfred will attract a lot of attention so he could go with the Bollywood’s favorite butler name. Well he can go for some other names too but they wont produce the same weight. Common isn’t our Ramu kaka fittingly similar to Bruce’s Alfred. Here we are talking hard-core Bollywood here. This would add all the drama to the sequences where he is back after fights and needs medicines


3. Mode of Transport: batman is shown to be moving around in lot of swanky and technically brilliant cars and bikes called bat mobile and bat pod respectively .now imagine that big and fast vehicle on our traffic ridden roads. Even ambulances had to pose fine on people who don’t give it space to move for free movement I am not sure how many people are willing to give side to batman so he could catch the bad guys. “He and his bad guys be damned. I need to get home early” and if you are a superhero you cant use public transport for security reasons and besides you got to protect a rep.


4. Criminals: the criminal’s batman fights have a considerable amount of weaponry and support at their disposal. And in India, lets face it there are way too many criminals for 1 man to fight. Take DILLI/NCR (national capital region) for example, he ll need a lot of bournvita /calcium Sandoz thing to fight all those people roaming on their suv with not so pleasant police profile. he will not be out of business for good 10-15 years.

5. Language: it can be a real issue what language he speaks. Because he might need to travel to other parts of India in due course of his job and if he lands himself in Chennai where no 1 speaks his language, I am not sure how he can go about finding something. And carrying a translator with him doesn’t look a very feasible option. How would he even go about recruiting such guy? This can only be overcome if batman is well versed in every language india has to offer which, any sane man would tell you is IMPOSSBLE


6. Sidekick(s): the sidekick’s batman used to have, were the son and daughter of police commissioner of Gotham city. Since every other day there is some or the other encounter he can easily choose between them and god will they be happy to break criminals bones. Again the costume and language thing applies to them too..


7. Gadget guy: he will also need a secret lab and a qualified guy to handle all his technical stuff. He could go to all the lesser-known colleges for placements. People will literally each other for money in this country so this should not be a problem and thanks to Google and ‘a Wednesday’ people know how to make bombs from washing powder. Those handy gadgets would take some time to figure out but we Indians are masters with JUGAAD. I am guessing he can count on that


8. Politics: what the Gotham batman had it easy was no one questioned his origins or caste (talking in Indian context). No matter how much good he does there will be some or the other leader displeased with him for not paying attention to his area or the people he represents. Some might brand him anti-Dalit since he could not be proven Dalit or doesn’t belong to the minority class. So every time he does something good for the society, his effigies will be burnt all over the country citing different issues.


9. His Alter ego’s life: since the batman will be very rich in his other life it will be very difficult for him to get out of his house because of our 24*7 media. Who is all out to report every damn detail about industrialists and important persons. So he will have really tough time going in an coming out of his house and not to mention taking care of his own premises is going to be really difficult.


So all this point taken into account, it’s going to be real tough for a desi batman to work in india. That’s why for the time being we can get excited with prospect of pavitra prabhakar(peter parker). Time warner was actually in talks for the very first adaptation for desi spider man. No prizes for guessing what happened to that project.

in the rare of the rarest instance you dont know about Batman (REALLY?) click here

and Spider-man (which shithole have you been living in?) here


\m/oO\m/