Saturday, April 30, 2011
How to be ‘COOL’
I am writing too much humor lately.so I thought why not try something serious. And by serious I mean dead serious. I come across a lot of people daily who think they are COOL but they are NOT.so I thought may be I could come up with some ideas to help those people.so this is as serious as it can get. I thought of 10 steps to help them out of their miseries.so here goes:
1. Develop an accent: yeah maite!u head it rightie! Start using all sort of crap lingo. Come up wid your own abbreviations and keep dropping them at regular intervals in conversations. And wait for the other person to make a weird face and den drop say something like “u ve GATTA b Sh^%$n me” and stuff like that. Gives you an edge over your peers and those a little slow than you will start worshipping you!
2. Go weird: whoever said being weird is fashionable was DEAD on! Go bald, try Mohawk. Do something that gets people talking about you and then come up with something like “don’t you read the fashion magZ’s? This look is all ___(fill in the blanks with an appropriate big-ass designer’s) are talking about”. Going all HIP HOPP-HER might help too.
3. Act as if you give a crap: be informed about all the hunger strikes, air strikes, medical strikes (frankly just flip pages of any newspaper and you will find some or the other guy going on strike for demand of his). Pretend you care for him/her or the cause. JUST pretend! Doing anything might make you down-market. Keep asking random people that they look sad. Everyone has a sad story of the day and someday you might get lucky and have something to laugh about later on (people mistake other people enquiries as a emotional dump yard)
4. Get a pet: oh yes this ranks up there with the biggies and it might get you the required ooh and aah’s with the women folks. You might not be a pet person but pretend you love the pet more than yourself. just make sure it’s a costly breed (getting some animal breed no one has heard of from FAREN will earn you brownie points!) and best still you can kick his butt when no one’s around. I still don’t get why people go to all troubles for that stupid looking Chihuahua. It can’t even bark to save its life.
5. Act intellectual: for this act you will have to be very careful with the names you drop here and there. You cannot be seen using anything that other people use. For example books. Pretend you are reading some self-improvement book and quote 2-3 Deepak chopra or robin sharma crap. There is a 83.2% chance of people believing you because no one actually reads all that. You can also go for some weird named writers; the trick is to make sure people haven’t heard of him/her.
6. Pretend you like heavy metal: Do this only if you want guys to take you seriously. And the best part is you don’t even have to listen to what the guy is singing. Most of the time its plain noise with lots of guitar sound and people with long hair jumping around trying to make melody. But jus grooving your head with the music will get you the tag of metal-head, knucklehead or what not (wackiest you can choose).
DISCLAIMER: NEVER try metal on females. They hate it.
6. Turn to Goth: start abusing god for your every screwed up act or everything bad that has happened to you.(remember Deewar!) Make sure you flaunt it properly. As in keep dropping words like ‘anti-Christ’,’atheist’,’catholic’ ….well you get the picture. You don’t even have to be Christian to do that. Keep pulling your peers in random discussions about god until they are fed up and they brand you Evil. Wear a upside down cross for better results.
8. Get inked: get a tattoo. Make sure it’s some language none of your peer understands. So you can make it mean whatever you want to. Single meaning tattoos don’t go with the mood everywhere you see. Do think of a weird mythological connect as to how you got inspired and all that crap while you get drilled. And yes it PAIN’S to get one. Get a temporary one if you are not a big fan of needles, not many people know the difference. And get it where you can show it off.
Remember tattoos= MACHO!
9. Click Pictures: ever wondered why page 3 people feature on page 3? No matter where you go, make sure you get yourself clicked in all possible camera angles. And by that I mean even when you go to the local graveyard. The trick is to look sad or happy when the need be (glycerin could be a very helpful tool here). Click picture and put it for other people to see with weird captions like me here, me there, me blah blah blah. I am sure no one gives a crap about your life but sometimes it’s good to have a misconception.
And finally if nothing works,
10: Suicide: if still people don’t take you seriously you could try jumping from your office building. Or you could pull that sholay stuff on people you hate before you actually plan to jump. India’s population is some 120 million anyways. you could do the world a favor by ending your pathetic sorry life. Getting really drunk for this part might prove helpful. And please don’t fail at this. It’s the easiest of the lot.
Or alternately you could come find me. I would be glad to help you out of your sorry,miserable life by strangling you to death.