Saturday, June 18, 2011

the two magical words:WHAT MAN?

Having spent a good part in south india I can now successfully vouch for the fact that SOME people speak a very peculiar kind of English which might seem every bit funny to you but for them its daily routine. I m trying to list all the funny instances I came across (mind you the speakers face was every bit serious, I dare say)

What man? :

It’s the innovative use of English language Mr. Oxford or Webster missed apparently but those people were more than happy to rectify their mistake. Albeit I am pretty sure they would have what-man-ED the British too.

The aforementioned magical combination of words is no small has several usages in daily day-to-day language and the key lies in the versatile nature of the use. It’s used all around with appropriate modifications and figure of speech and WITH fillers.if you are visiting for the first time, learn all the way it can be used and u can come across like a real gentleman because if you are planning to throw English at them, be prepared with a WHAT-MAN reply

it’s the “kya yaar/kya be/abe chal/abe kameene/aise thodi hota hai” equivalent of south india. And there are several ways to speak 2 magical can be a

1. “Happy” What man: this type is supposed to be funny so don’t forget to
laugh along. You might not find a what man out of the blue funny enough but just go with the flow. you don’t want to be branded a pessimist now would you? Its just the other form of “kya yaar/kya haal hai”(how are you?) so you see that words convey the feelings so effectively without having to resort to conventional ways

2. “Sad/disappointed” What man: this one’s a little serious but no big trouble. This happens when u failed to perform according to expectations. But the key lies in identifying the tone so you can modify your sin accordingly. Examples of the above style include when u didn’t put cover on your lab record, didn’t use appropriate font while writing your name. Its the equivalent of “abe ye kya kiya yaar/tere ko ye bhi nahin aata?”(oh god u don’t even know this?)

3. “You-screwed-up” What man: this means you are in a bigger trouble and the intensity and frequency of what man in the paragraph increases many fold which is just to stress on the fact that you are GAAN(gone) imagine you were told to get a page of xerox like everyone else in class and you are found sharing the page with some other guy or you are caught having CAFFEE(coffee) in the canteen. The only solution is DON’T ANSWER. Whatever excuse you are trying to pull will attract more intense what man(see point 5)

4. Conversation-starter What man: this one s used by the teachers pig kind of students who take pride in speaking like them. But they are actually trying to be good to you. Not their fault. This is the best they can manage. Talking to people is a) out of syllabus, b) won’t fetch them marks and c) considered socializing which taboo. So you see they cant care less. And do NOT bother replying to this question. He/she jus asked for the sake of asking.

5. In-reply-to-your-question What man: this type is widely used in reply to the any question, which cannot be answered with a L-O-G-I-C. And trust me do not even try to explain. The more sentences you throw will be SKATOOOSHED and thrown back at you. Examples include when asking permission for something and the person on the other end is not ready and he can’t come up with any reason so when you say “it will help us with studies sir” and SHAOLIN SOCCER reply comes “WHAT help with studies MAN?” so precisely adding WHAT in the begging and MAN in the end of the question and throwing it back does the trick

P.s. - Nowhere in the history of language, human beings have found a tool such effective to curb logic.

6. “You-are-useless” What man: this is kind of pity feeling. When the spokesperson feels that given a chance he could have done things way better or he will tell you the person’s name who did the work way better than you would ever be able to do. DO NOT PANIC. It’s not a danger sign. Next time bluff more efficiently

7. What man closely followed by WHERE ARE U FRAM i.e. the Eternal question: this is the CATASTROPHE, TSUNAMI, KATRINA of blah blah among all the what man’s this means you have screwed up things beyond repair at least in the eyes of the person with the judgmental power. And NO he isn’t trying to know about your place of birth. Its just his way of showing how useless you are. So DO NOT answer if you don’t want to get cursed. I myself have faced it so many times that I can say this with certainty that keeping mum is the best solution and keep praying to your gods in the meantime for some divine intervention

this was my experience with the 2 magical words which can be used in so many ways amounting to so many expression. I have not come across any phrase in English language that is so versatile.

So have you been WHAT MAN-ed ?


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Lab, rock on and urvashi: college days

I am in Gurgaon for a pretty long time now and haven’t faced dearth of ticket for a movie like back in was almost impossible to get a ticket on weekends in multiplexes,not that we could afford it, but still single screen theatres were the way to go. so when I faced a SOLD-OUT for kung fu panda 2 and had to wait for almost 3 hours for the next show,it triggered a lot of memories.


When I was doing my engineering, I hated labs because of the paperwork involved. I couldn’t figure out a lot of things and was unable to write the legendary LAB RECORD which eventually decides how serious you are about that subject. Don’t bother conducting 1 cares a damn, just record it properly or else be prepared for the eternal question. Frankly speaking, if it weren’t for a helping friend, I wouldn’t have passed most of my engineering labs.

This happened when I was supposed to go for 1 of my labs in the afternoon from 2-5.since I had already bunked 3 labs which is considered threshold of attendance my teacher had given me stern warning that she would personally make sure I am present. She found me near the lift and asked me to accompany her till the lab on 7th floor.

Madam: good I found you, don’t miss labs. You already have missed 3.

Me: crap! Yes sure, madam. Whatever you say.

Madam: I am going to collect something from staff room you begin with the lab

*my phone rings*

on the other side: Abe “rock on” lagi hai, chal raha hai?(rock on released today.coming?)

me: Abe lab hai yaar,isne pakad rakha hai(dude I am stuck, she found me near lift)

Other side: abe bhaag ja naa,bol diyo loose mostions ho gaye the,sabse safe hai(run away, tell her you got loose motions, it’s the safest)

I decided to run. This time no risk. STAIRS. before I could know it I was exhausted and struggling for catching the breath after running down 7 floors

In no time I was standing at college gate and my friends were there waiting

Friend1: abe kitni der laga di,3 autos nikal gaye.ticket nahin mili to dekhiyo fir(dude where were you,3 autos passed,if we don’t get the tickets,u are GAAN)

Friend2:abe auto rok(stop the auto) bhaiya urvashi chaloge?(urvashi theatre?)

We were on our way!

Back then Fridays were movie days and reviews said this was supposed to be a great movie.and we never argued about the venue. It HAD to be URVASHI. for those who haven’t been to the theatre, its like your small town single screen theatre where you could whistle and shout like crazy. Only this one had better seats, nice ambience. No other theatre comes close and when you are studying, a movie in 80 rupees is more than enough.

We got the tickets and placed ourselves in our seats. Movie began and we were shouting like crazy in whole much so that we could hardly talk after was perfectly normal. That’s what we loved the theatre for.

We returned back to our regular tea spot, sipping tea and discussing about the songs and the performances in the movie and went back to respective places


*Cut to 2010 November 5th DIWALI*

I was out of college, working and went to Bangalore to meet some friends and we happened to meet at the same tea shop

Friend1:abe kaun si muvi lagi hai?(which muvi released dude?)

Me: golmaal 3 lagi hai, chalen?(golmaal 3,shall we go?)

Friend2: *stopped the auto* bhaiya urvashi chaloge?(urvashi theatre?)

I finished watching the movie and like all the animation movies I LOVED it. But I missed the whistling and shouting I would/could have done. People really don’t mind that but here people love playing the straight-faced, status-belting creature. Hate being the silent guy in movies.

do you like screaming,whistling,shouting in movies?




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