Sunday, December 18, 2011

Things I learned in corporates: #CorporateCrap

If you are going to judge me after reading this, guess which finger I am holding right now. I ll give you 1 chance

Also, if you cant take humor, i suggest you stop right now.

Moving on, I have completed a year and blah blah months since I started working and had to hold my intension to punch the guy I am facing about approximately (blah blah - 1) number of times. I am currently enquiring if ‘amateur suicidal’s’ is a potential disease, which I can claim for. Needless to say, I have learned a lot.

Here goes:

1.Don’t bother buying that high-end phone you had your eyes on, you ll hate it, every time it rings. Yes, EVERY TIME

2.On second thoughts, go get will help you pass time because everything you like is (spoiler alert) BLOCKED. Apparently if you see even a glimpse of Google homepage, inception of nuclear bomb will occur

3.If you don’t know who to throw the work to, you don’t know the work at all

4.If you shout really hard, the person next to you will believe you know the shit better than he does

5.Fear escalations.enough said.

6.To do you have to learn and to learn you have to do.

7.Saying no to everything wont reduce the amount of work, but you will learn to handle crap a lot better.

8.It’s not your fault if you know the concept of ‘fall guy’. The trick is to chose your words properly.

9.Decisions BEFORE and AFTER the meeting are the same. Don’t strain your voice gland.

10.Every sentence has 2 parts. Before and after the BUT. You should be concerned about the later part.

11.When in doubt, SMILE

12.Best place to curse somebody is that teashop downstairs. You will make your best pals there if you just hang around mumbling something.

13.HR’s are the con artists. They can make you do shit, and the best part is they aren’t giving it.

14.90 % of all mail chains (lot of reply-all’s) are about how a work CAN’T be done.

15.The biggest worry of a day apart from reaching early will be arranging mails in folders.

16.If you didn’t mail it, you didn’t do it. Do or not, MAIL it.

17.Excel, Word and Outlook will constitute more than 87.9% of your work.

18.You can laugh on any shitty joke no matter what. You don’t even need to hear it to laugh your ass off. Hierarchy should be kept in mind while doing so.

19.If you write a really big mail, you can throw grammar in that bin under your table or for that matter on the desktop.

20.Want a work done; irritate the crap out of the concerned person by calling them repeatedly till they give in. the trick is to KEEP CALLING.

21.‘Team-Work’ is over rated.

22.Also, any idea with the word ‘Team’ in it isn’t a good idea. Unless there are drinks involved.

23.Reaction on a joke when made by Team mate: pffft; TL: hahaha.. You are funny; Manager: ROFL…LMAO ….you are a genius sir, why don’t you try stand-up

P.s. – the author was listening to ‘stairway to heaven’ at full volume on loop while writing this and claims no responsibility for the contents whatsoever.

Have learned something else? Do share



  1. Ha, ha great tips...Take a print and put it on your desk for the benefit of others in ur office.

  2. I will soon step into this shitness and I will come back to read this..
    Straining your voice glands...hehehe poor you!

  3. The third one is a classic

    the rest are pretty good too

    nicely listed Madhav :)

  4. he he he...geting real taste of life..
    bad luck is its nt as tasty as Dilli food..:P

  5. HA HA..Anther from your pen about "OFFICE- WISDOM.!! " :D
    But my view differ for the Smile wala part..Rest all is awesome..:)
    Apppreciate.!!! :)

  6. You learnt pretty fast
    ".Want a work done; irritate the crap out of the concerned person by calling them repeatedly till they give in. the trick is to KEEP CALLING." LOL
    Story in pieces

  7. 6th one is awesome yaar

  8. Somebody is seriously stressed!

    And take solace from the fact that Tumhara number bhi ayegaa....

  9. @alka you do realize it can get me fired?
    @redhanded oh i will be waiting *evil laugh*
    @sujatha... hee hee hee thanks genuine observations you see
    @rai saheb....sarkaar sab dua hai aapki
    @shaeily.. abe smile wala is only for pretty ladies ;)
    @animesh... i m a quick learner :)
    @gammo dhanyawaad :)
    @purba...u bet! mera mu,ber kis chese mein?

  10. :D look at you.

    :)-me, now.
    :|-me, in few months.
    :(-me, next year this time.

    And then I'll stop arguing with you on Twitter about how work can't be *that* bad.

  11. I liked the 11th one..and I have been following it to the point of being labelled a weird...but only by those who have got a hang of me....for strangers,it's still just a month,I will'be joining TCS,and these tips would definitely help.(lol ,I'm going all armed!)
    Nice blog..looks full of sarcasm and satire..I'll explore around and love to read more from you.

  12. So that's a lot of learning in 1+ year! Welcome to corp world. You will learn a lot as time pass by but my experience in 3.5 years in corp world say: don't talk shit about another colleague to a colleague. You never know, they'll become the best buddy's in Future.

  13. I love Stairway To Heaven :D
    Love your blog!! Keep calling and irritating the caller :) Haha! I love it :)

  14. acha one more thing...appraisal forms and process..bakwass !!!!!

    came here from sujatha's blog and absolutely love your honest and original writing !!

    following you :)

  15. @uruj ...thanks for are kind

    @victor *slahes knives together and makes the EVIL face*

    @rohit..thanks for reading and taking out the time to comment. well you are in for great surprise in coming month ;)

    @gargi..well that i learned in colege itself, some of my classmates were top notch cheapos

    @philo *high5*

    @sulagna ...thanks, i am humbled :)

  16. haha. good one <3





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