The great indian Face-Off and after-effects

*What you are about to read is written in all seriousness and contains no joke whatsoever. If you find it funny, please leave your IP address and twitter handle in comments section (cc: Govt Of India)*

During past weeks, the whole incidents related to people leaving states to go back to their own (north-east in this case) have captured nation unlike any other in recent times. Ironically, this came barely weeks after Mary kom and Devendro (please Google them/their place of origin and consider shooting yourself) took the whole nation by surprise by displaying the unseen fighting spirit, literally and metaphorically on the biggest sporting arena in this world. Every north eastern guy was beaming with joy, because frankly speaking, how many of us can actually locate imphal, dispur or agartalla on Indian map, and more importantly, do you smell what I smell?

  But the whole phase was short lived and before any of them knew what happened, SMS started circulating in south Indian states, including Maharashtra blaming them (yes yes, all north eastern states same thing) for something related to Bangladeshi immigrants and some violence in Assam and asking them to leave the city/state and go back to their home state, whichever or wherever it may be. Some of these guys also beat up policemen and media persons because THAT totally makes sense. Wait this gets (I am going to hell for saying this), better. Our govt, as efficient as they are, did what most citizen friendly govts would do. They provided as many trains as were required for north eastern guys to flee while also trying to co-ax them to stay promising to ‘protect’ them because our national need to be secular beats the shit out of common sense any day. The ‘National No Shit Sherlock’ dept, also known as police dept in some parts of country according to unconfirmed reports expressed complete cluelessness at the turn of events and promised to take action against Pakistan by providing them with ample proof. Pakistan responded by banning ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ and was condemned all and sundry for the hideous action.

  Meanwhile, SMS’s and photo tagging was in full swing at the public wedding hall also known as face-book. It was when a tibetian guy (long story, they blurred it in rockstar) was stabbed with a knife and was warned to leave before the date that panic spread. But the problem with our PM is, he exhausted his entire madam approved speaking quota for the month on Independence Day itself and strongly condemning an action can very easily be done by secretaries as well. So, he ordered*(citation needed) that twitter shut down all his parody accounts as well (some word limit thing). Our govt swung into action again and, in between all the ‘they made money in auctioning coal’ ‘oh my god why is PM selling coal?’ ‘When will Poonam pandey take bath again?’ ‘Look, unicorn!’ ‘PM MUST RESIGN’, our all knowing, aryabhatta devotee, Mr. Kapil Sibal did what any rational thinking person in power would have done. He ordered to block twitter handles of random people because apparently you can’t shutdown internet, because lets be honest. People hell bent on killing each other, do keep tab on what people are writing on twitter and…. WHAT DID YOU JUST WRITE THERE? I AM GOING TO KILL MY NEIGHBOUR! Twitter started with blocking account of IT minister, to which most of government employee’s reaction was ‘don’t believe in rumors, we have no such ministry?’.

  At the time of writing, Apple is yet to announce its new phone and Suhel Seth & kargil ‘you-know-who’ journalist have whole-heartedly supported the decision. Mahesh Bhatt could not be reached. Arindam choudhry was quick to jump to bandwagon and wasted a lot of ink in the process of; you wont believe it, writing. Last heard, Rahul Gandhi was having lunch with a BPL family, the exact co-ordinates of which has not been revealed due to security reasons. If you are wondering how this helps distraught people in Assam or any of northeastern people, raise your hand. Now take that hand and try to make a 5 finger imprint on your cheeks.

  I would have commented on the turn of events and made an intellectual joke but sadly, I am yet to be a verified secular ideologist/fundamentalist/ left-right- east- west wing. 

I love my government. RAHUL GANDHI FOR PRESIDENT, oh wait.