*What you are about to read is written in all seriousness
and contains no joke whatsoever. If you find it funny, please leave your IP
address and twitter handle in comments section (cc: Govt Of India)*
During past weeks, the whole incidents related to people
leaving states to go back to their own (north-east in this case) have captured
nation unlike any other in recent times. Ironically, this came barely weeks
after Mary kom and Devendro (please Google them/their place of origin and
consider shooting yourself) took the whole nation by surprise by displaying the
unseen fighting spirit, literally and metaphorically on the biggest sporting
arena in this world. Every north eastern guy was beaming with joy, because
frankly speaking, how many of us can actually locate imphal, dispur or agartalla
on Indian map, and more importantly, do you smell what I smell?
But the whole phase was short lived and before
any of them knew what happened, SMS started circulating in south Indian states,
including Maharashtra blaming them (yes yes, all north eastern states same thing)
for something related to Bangladeshi immigrants and some violence in Assam and
asking them to leave the city/state and go back to their home state, whichever
or wherever it may be. Some of these guys also beat up policemen and media
persons because THAT totally makes sense. Wait this gets (I am going to hell
for saying this), better. Our govt, as efficient as they are, did what most
citizen friendly govts would do. They provided as many trains as were required
for north eastern guys to flee while also trying to co-ax them to stay
promising to ‘protect’ them because our national need to be secular beats the
shit out of common sense any day. The ‘National No Shit Sherlock’ dept,
also known as police dept in some parts of country according to unconfirmed
reports expressed complete cluelessness at the turn of events and promised to
take action against Pakistan by providing them with ample proof. Pakistan responded
by banning ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ and was condemned all and sundry for the hideous
action.
Meanwhile, SMS’s and photo tagging was in full
swing at the public wedding hall also known as face-book. It was when a
tibetian guy (long story, they blurred it in rockstar) was stabbed with a knife
and was warned to leave before the date that panic spread. But the problem with
our PM is, he exhausted his entire madam approved speaking quota for the month
on Independence Day itself and strongly condemning an action can very easily be
done by secretaries as well. So, he ordered*(citation needed) that twitter shut down all his
parody accounts as well (some word limit thing). Our govt swung into action
again and, in between all the ‘they made money in auctioning coal’ ‘oh my god
why is PM selling coal?’ ‘When will Poonam pandey take bath again?’ ‘Look,
unicorn!’ ‘PM MUST RESIGN’, our all knowing, aryabhatta devotee, Mr. Kapil
Sibal did what any rational thinking person in power would have done. He
ordered to block twitter handles of random people because apparently you can’t
shutdown internet, because lets be honest. People hell bent on killing each
other, do keep tab on what people are writing on twitter and…. WHAT DID YOU
JUST WRITE THERE? I AM GOING TO KILL MY NEIGHBOUR! Twitter started with
blocking account of IT minister, to which most of government employee’s
reaction was ‘don’t believe in rumors, we have no such ministry?’.
At the time of
writing, Apple is yet to announce its new phone and Suhel Seth & kargil
‘you-know-who’ journalist have whole-heartedly supported the decision. Mahesh
Bhatt could not be reached. Arindam choudhry was quick to jump to
bandwagon and wasted a lot of ink in the process of; you wont believe it,
writing. Last heard, Rahul Gandhi was having lunch with a BPL family, the exact
co-ordinates of which has not been revealed due to security reasons. If you are
wondering how this helps distraught people in Assam or any of northeastern
people, raise your hand. Now take that hand and try to make a 5 finger imprint
on your cheeks.
I would
have commented on the turn of events and made an intellectual joke but sadly, I
am yet to be a verified secular ideologist/fundamentalist/ left-right- east-
west wing. I love my government. RAHUL GANDHI FOR PRESIDENT, oh wait.
