I was on a much-deserved vacation for some days so couldn’t update the blog in a long time. I use trains for travelling because: a) I can’t afford flying and b) I like the time I have when I have nothing to do. This time of solitude is impossible in flights because people are too busy shoving up their MADERN-self up your nose. If you have had time to notice there always will be a few characters every time you travel by trains, I mean EVERYTIME. I have tried to list a few so here goes:
- Yoga loving uncle: normally found on the Lower berth due to the senior citizen quota and is a big fan of Baba Ramdev and Ravi Shankar (add shri to taste). There is a 109.54% chance that this person will have a Son/Daughter/nephew/niece/blah blah studying in some big-ass college. They will make it a point to ask you what you study and let out a i-knew-it-you-look-stupid *OHHHH* the moment you mention your colg/degree. He will be up by 6 in the morning and god forbid if are on middle birth.
- Snoring person: if there ever was an irritation scale of 1 to 10, this person will easily score a century. It’s THAT irritating. It could be anyone in your compartment. That innocent looking aunty who offered you food or that guy you were talking to who happened to like the same pub you did and knew the owner. The irony of the snoring is that the person who does it has no clue how hard others are trying not to kill him/her.
- Crying baby: I refuse to count you as a pro-traveller in Indian railways if you didn’t have to put up with a crying baby the whole night. The best thing about it is the timing. It always happens around 2-4. The yoga uncle will have a quick fix tip for the mother for sure. Now the only way out is to count till 100 while also breathing S-L-O-W-L-Y so your death will be painless OR go stand at the door till its morning.
Pro tip: don’t bother reacting if you are aged between 17-25,unmarried and are traveling alone. You will be treated with how-can-he-be-so-heartless stares
- Gadget guy: he is really easy to spot. Mostly with a laptop/dvdplayer/ipad/over-smartphone and constantly mumbling something about Wi-Fi. Mostly an apple fan (he hasn’t used ANY of apple product himself but has relatives who have) and can differentiate between iOs and android point by point. Don’t bother asking his degree, he is an engineering guy. The only person you can talk to.
- Lover boy: always sitting with a worried face because his cell phone is low on battery/ can’t catch signal. The key to spot him is the number of times his phone rings. He will have the most hideous ringtone on this planet and he will be busy explaining his better half how phones keep dropping signals when trains are moving. You will know everything there is to know about his gurlfraaand because he has a gurlfraaand. The know-it-all guy about recharges schemes. One of the phones he will be carrying will be a Reliance.
Pro tip: try counting how many times he mentions word gurlfraaaand, it will be a great time pass
- Grumpy female: Will have the whole entourage to see her off at station and will be carrying a hell lot of luggage. The key to spot her is the book she will be carrying. John Gresham/ Jeffery archer/ chetan bhagat/a random LOVE STORY. If she has a boyfraaand, she and the lover boy will hit it off. If not, she will have a straight face all throughout the journey because every person is a potential-closet rapist.
- Smarty dude: lean build and long hair are the must have’s for this role. He is the guy who for some reason looks lost and is constantly going too and fro in the train and is loving it. He will be wearing a low-waste (pun intended) jeans and knows exactly how many females aged between 18-24 are travelling in the train with exact co-ordinates AND which one’s are hotter/cuter/travelling alone (yes, about that grumpy female too). He will be a Salman khan fan and the GO-TO guy when you are sick of sitting and listening to all the crap.
- Religious aunty: the MOST irritating of the lot. The first question she ll shoot at you is about your caste. She will be the companion of the yoga uncle or if travelling alone, these two will take turns to screw with your head and tell you how everything is wrong with your living style. She will hate the Lover boy so the only way to escape her is to stick with him/listen to his love story.
- The Loud Talkers: normally found in pair of two’s or three’s , didn’t know each other before the journey but share the destination and know some guy who knows the guy other person knows. One of them will NOT be a sachin fan and that will start the debate, which will gradually go on to politics and then back to how ipl has ruined the game. The USP of the debate will the volume of it (I mean literally).
- Mama’s Boy: Think of this person as your magical compass, which tells the train station name automatically. He will keep updating his mom/dad about his whereabouts VERY LOUDLY. So in case you just woke up and wondering how much time till the next station, wait for 5-6 minutes before his cell phone rings. You will have all the information. He will be carrying the costliest phone available in the market right now or a BENGALI (no offence). The only 3 tasks he is allowed to do on the journey is use the washroom, sleep and EAT.
Pro tip: 50 bucks say within first 5 mins of the conversation, he will mention the word ‘my parents’.
The one’s who almost made it: the coochie-coo couple/newly-married, the eat-ERR, the Corleone’s (family with entourage), the single guy.
Oh, and if you are the i-cant-sit-through-that-long-journey types, you won’t get the joke so don’t bother. On a very serious note, you don’t know what you are missing.
