The great indian Face-Off and after-effects

*What you are about to read is written in all seriousness and contains no joke whatsoever. If you find it funny, please leave your IP address and twitter handle in comments section (cc: Govt Of India)*

During past weeks, the whole incidents related to people leaving states to go back to their own (north-east in this case) have captured nation unlike any other in recent times. Ironically, this came barely weeks after Mary kom and Devendro (please Google them/their place of origin and consider shooting yourself) took the whole nation by surprise by displaying the unseen fighting spirit, literally and metaphorically on the biggest sporting arena in this world. Every north eastern guy was beaming with joy, because frankly speaking, how many of us can actually locate imphal, dispur or agartalla on Indian map, and more importantly, do you smell what I smell?

  But the whole phase was short lived and before any of them knew what happened, SMS started circulating in south Indian states, including Maharashtra blaming them (yes yes, all north eastern states same thing) for something related to Bangladeshi immigrants and some violence in Assam and asking them to leave the city/state and go back to their home state, whichever or wherever it may be. Some of these guys also beat up policemen and media persons because THAT totally makes sense. Wait this gets (I am going to hell for saying this), better. Our govt, as efficient as they are, did what most citizen friendly govts would do. They provided as many trains as were required for north eastern guys to flee while also trying to co-ax them to stay promising to ‘protect’ them because our national need to be secular beats the shit out of common sense any day. The ‘National No Shit Sherlock’ dept, also known as police dept in some parts of country according to unconfirmed reports expressed complete cluelessness at the turn of events and promised to take action against Pakistan by providing them with ample proof. Pakistan responded by banning ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ and was condemned all and sundry for the hideous action.

  Meanwhile, SMS’s and photo tagging was in full swing at the public wedding hall also known as face-book. It was when a tibetian guy (long story, they blurred it in rockstar) was stabbed with a knife and was warned to leave before the date that panic spread. But the problem with our PM is, he exhausted his entire madam approved speaking quota for the month on Independence Day itself and strongly condemning an action can very easily be done by secretaries as well. So, he ordered*(citation needed) that twitter shut down all his parody accounts as well (some word limit thing). Our govt swung into action again and, in between all the ‘they made money in auctioning coal’ ‘oh my god why is PM selling coal?’ ‘When will Poonam pandey take bath again?’ ‘Look, unicorn!’ ‘PM MUST RESIGN’, our all knowing, aryabhatta devotee, Mr. Kapil Sibal did what any rational thinking person in power would have done. He ordered to block twitter handles of random people because apparently you can’t shutdown internet, because lets be honest. People hell bent on killing each other, do keep tab on what people are writing on twitter and…. WHAT DID YOU JUST WRITE THERE? I AM GOING TO KILL MY NEIGHBOUR! Twitter started with blocking account of IT minister, to which most of government employee’s reaction was ‘don’t believe in rumors, we have no such ministry?’.

  At the time of writing, Apple is yet to announce its new phone and Suhel Seth & kargil ‘you-know-who’ journalist have whole-heartedly supported the decision. Mahesh Bhatt could not be reached. Arindam choudhry was quick to jump to bandwagon and wasted a lot of ink in the process of; you wont believe it, writing. Last heard, Rahul Gandhi was having lunch with a BPL family, the exact co-ordinates of which has not been revealed due to security reasons. If you are wondering how this helps distraught people in Assam or any of northeastern people, raise your hand. Now take that hand and try to make a 5 finger imprint on your cheeks.

  I would have commented on the turn of events and made an intellectual joke but sadly, I am yet to be a verified secular ideologist/fundamentalist/ left-right- east- west wing. 

I love my government. RAHUL GANDHI FOR PRESIDENT, oh wait.

The day superman died: Et tu Mr. Armstrong

Today morning while glancing through the usual kadharshian and Madonna stories in national daily supplement I saw my horoscope for the week which read, be prepared, there might be a theft in your place. Within half an hour of that, I open twitter and saw Lance Armstrong trending. The news that it bore was the theft as predicted. He quit fight against drug charges and will be stripped of all tour-de-France titles, all seven of them and will be banned for life from cycling. *Pause* link to article here.

   Sports persons keep getting involved in all sorts of drug allegations and why is this shattering news you ask? Remember the day when you found out that metro city didn’t exist on United States map and superman was a fictitious character? Or Captain vyom was strikingly similar to Star trek. When you google’d and found out that the princess you were looking for so desperately all your childhood didn’t actually exist in any castle whatsoever. Remember the feeling? You just couldn’t bring yourself to admit to the fact. You were short of words to react? You knew you couldn’t counter the facts because it was truth but deep down, you didn’t want to believe it. That.

  Mind you tour-de-France is no child’s play and he did it 7 times, after beating cancer. He was pinnacle of human spirit, proof that human determination can move mountains. He was the best thing to have happened to cancer patients since chemotherapy because he turned the doctor’s advice on its head and was back on road cycling and winning like before. he started lance armtsrong cancer foundation and was at the heart of the cancer support revolution which ahd people wearing rubber bands etched 'Livestrong'. He was the shinning light, like the beach lighthouse for tired sailors. He was the ‘aal iz well’ personified.

  So much so that when I was going through a tough phase some time back, I resorted to the life story of steve jobs and lance Armstrong and that helped me. Sheer fact that these gentlemen, if I may, braved all odds stacked against them and not only came out victorious but made history while doing so. It’s just uplifting. When you are down and dusted, looking up to people who have braved such situations does wonders to you and makes you get up and go for the kill again. Its like the single life jacket when your titanic is sinking. And when accusations are made against man of such stature, it shakes the whole belief one had in fairy tales and happy endings.

  Now I am no cycling sport fanatic. No sir. The only thing I know about cycling starts and ends with you. I know about the sport as much as Indian govt knows about governance, so to speak. I am even more clueless about drugs and how it spikes/helps/boosts performances. Heck, I didn’t even bother to Google the names that came up in your accusations. Because, I DON’T CARE. All I know is, you cheated. Of all people, it was you. It might result in you getting charged for cheating/doping and might even land you in prison. But you have lost a fan today. You would know the feeling, if the person you looked up all your life turns out to be a cheat.

  I am not angry sir, I am just……. disappointed.

Type of people at theatre

If you have had the chance of watching movies in different towns in india, you won’t argue with the fact that audiences are different everywhere. Ranging from the rusty single screen theatre in interiors of north india which actually feels for the actor (notice faijal khan in theatre watching trishool in GOW?) to the pseudo uber- cool i-don’t-watch-hindi-movies audiences normally found in south direction of India’s metros. Having said that, I ve tried to classify moviegoers by their reactions and came up with 7 kinds. They are:

1. The Corleone’s: ever been to a movie when the entire row, save for 2-3 seats is filled with ‘NACHOS KISKE PASS HAIN?’ ‘BOLA THA NA MIRINDA LENA’ ‘THIS IS MEDIUM, DID YOU ASK FOR LARGE?’ People. Yes, they are *munch* *munch* *munch* THE family. These normally consist of more than 1 couple, 2-3 VERY LOUD children who mistake theatre for a park and an elderly person who is constantly looking if they are in the right seat(s).

2. Child bearers: more often than not, part of the Corleone’s and, after rigorous research, is proven to be a major reason most people decide not to have kids, EVER! Because when I pay for a movie ticket, I don’t want someone explaining why that guy shot the other guy and why are they kissing now. And NO my hair is NOT part of your entertainment tax. This pretty much answers the question, why they check for knives before entering into theatres. According to unconfirmed reports, this topic will be covered in next season of SMJ.

3. Busy guy:  this guy is basically either the leading member of Carleone or is flying solo and constantly updating people that he is in the theatre. By the end of movie, however good or bad it is, you are sure to remember his ring tone and are most probably looking to elbow him in his nuts. Oh, he will be a Blackberry owner,have very strong feelings about android and if pressed harder, will cry his heart out about how he can’t afford an iPhone.

4. Mushi mushi couple’s: if you are wondering why do you need to pay 750 for a movie ticket, or why someone without a scar on his face would, find these people and shoot them. Normally found with a gprs enabled phone and nobody told them that they could actually talk to each other instead of those muah muah’s on fb wall. Also, they go ballistic at mere mention of word ‘Relationship’

5. The ORACLE: ever had one of those moments when you have stopped the popcorn just short of your mouth because actor has ventured outside in the woods and is showing his brilliance by trying to strike up a conversation. And suddenly someone from back row says ‘he will die now’. You turn back to curse and hear a *STAB* sound. They know everything about movie and try to enlighten other people. Given a chance, 98.43% of human species would like to gas these people inside theatres.

6. Sarcastic witch: these guys are mostly delusional and feel their responsibility to fill in for any joke that didn’t work with the audience. And since theatre doesn’t particularly allow verbal communication during the movie, they assume a silent ovation at their remark by themselves and keep going. Normally found in single screen theatres and are die-hard salmaan khan fans.

7. Whistlers: normally the guy sitting next to the sarcastic witch, whistles every time either the actor or the actress flexes his/her muscles which leaves a lot of people confused about their orientations #ifyouknowwhatimean least irritating of the bunch but is known to induce inferiority complex because not everyone is blessed with art of whistling

 These are the types I could figure out in all these years. There are ofcourse more like ‘Gigling females’, ‘beauty and the beast’,’the college gang’. Have you had an experience with any of these in theatres? Do share \m/oO\m/

Main samay hun

This past week I went from sad/happy to sad to *insert a feeling when you are a little tired to emote*, and while the rains tried to nullify it, our govt (and some youth’s apparent) is just brilliant. It all started when a certain Time magazine decided to do what every media house in india has failed to, called our esteemed PM for what he is, i.e.,  ‘Underachiever’. My first reaction was of disbelief and I tried to rubbish it as some spoof of some kind but when reality dawned upon me, I was both ROFL happy and sad. Happy because premier of a nation gets reduced to a joke, and sad because that guy happens to be the head of my country. What followed was a major uproar from every tom, dick and harry who had even the slightest chance of getting into good books of a certain *you know who* Gandhi. This was anything but surprising, considering our representative’s record with harmless cartoons isn’t very enthusiastic.

 Media houses, got intellectuals including likes of suhel seth (would work for whatever this guy smokes in his free time), mahesh bhatt, shobha de, prahalaad Kakkar and the likes to express/debate their views on this burning issue at hand, all of whom live under the delusion that common people give a *insert a certain animal’s body part* about their views. And ‘Shoot The Messenger’ being our country’s national policy after ‘Thou Shalt Treat Tax Payer’s Money As Your Own’, it seemed much for feasible to just question the audacity and character of everyone related to the editor–in chief of the magazine in question (dude, if you are reading this: next time we meet, drinks on me). Mamta banerjee’s official response is still awaited because possibility of a rollback isn’t likely is this situation, and since magazine’s border is more or less red, well let’s not get there. At the time of writing, it wasn’t exactly clear whether the editor was secular or not so digvijay singh and kapil sibal have reserved their comments until then.

 While I was trying to take all this with a pinch of salt and wondering how to make fun of this entire episode (yes, I laughed at the magazine cover, SHOOT ME), came the ‘royal flush’ of them all. Youth congress, led by the youngest of them all, *you know who* Gandhi, decided to retaliate by burning the copies of, to the bewilderment of guys at Time in united states, Times of India. Yes, you read it right; they burnt copies of ‘Times of India’ to protest against the insensitive, delusional, corrupt and sick foreign mentality of ‘Time magazine’.  Don’t ask. I would like to take this chance to, whatever its worth, nominate the guy who ordered this immediately for nobel ‘piece’ prize. What lesser mortals like you and I fail to see is both the newspapers had Time in their title. Hence, BURN!

As the drama unfolded in various stages, our esteemed Prime minister, with all due respect, did what he has been doing since he took office, i.e. pushed the mute button and remained in hibernation. Frankly speaking, I have no clue why they keep comparing ceaser’s wife with him. For starters, I have never heard of her in all history that I read. And of course, the obvious gender differences. All of it makes as much sense to me as does the lane splitter’s to the common man also known as ‘WHY HAVE THEY DRAWN LINE ON THE ROAD?'.

To the guy who gave green signal to the cover, Well played *slow clap*

Things not to say while in Delhi

*It poured here and I am too happy (read lazy) to write anything, so sharing an old draft*

After having lived in Delhi for almost 2 years, I have successfully concluded that people here can take a joke like no other Indian city (conditions apply). People can laugh at the strangest of things here which is a rare sight in rest of India. Maybe it’s because of the cultural khichdi that the capital has become, I cant put a finger on it. However there are certain things which can get you laughed at, punched or even killed. dont tell me i didn't warn you, here goes:

1.   Metro station and railway station are two DIFFERENT things?

2. NO I DON’T KNOW WHO YOUR DAD IS, YOU TRIED ASKING YOUR MOM?

3.   Oh yes, Aakar patel and me are childhood buddies. Nice fellow that.

4. What exactly does ‘tumhaare maa ki aankh’ means?

5. Where do I find ‘phecho’?

6. Pakistani team has better players this time, they might win.

7. All Punjabi’s are sardaar’s no?

8. Since 1800, its being called ‘nayi sadak’ only?

9. Why are you people doing bale balle all the time?

10. You know Kerala has highest literacy rate in India.

11. Suggest a nice place to have dosa no?

12. Oh my god, you don’t know who your dad is?

13. This Kareem’s fellow is a big con man. I have had better kebabs.

14. You are lying, it’s not possible that you are from Delhi.

15. Ye road tere baap ki hai kya?

16. But you know I kind of agree with the madrasan.

17. You mean this qutub guy died while building this tower? What a fool.

18. Akon is way better than Honey singh.

19. Whats with you people and butter?

So now you have a fair idea why people get into fights here? Because they cant stop saying these sentences to each other. Also, there might be some of them I missed so don’t push your luck too much while visiting Delhi for the first time.
(some friends came to visit Delhi for the first time is what inspired this post) \m/oO\m/

Step by step guide to after-marriage behavior: dummy ladiss guide

Ladies, after getting married behave, or are expected to behave, different. And it is same everywhere. I tried to list some of the after- marriage behavior. Without further ado or Scooby dooby doo, here goes:

Step 1: Get married.

Step 2: Update relationship status to ‘Married to..’, change profile picture to couple pic. Harass the other half to do so.

Step 3: upload xxxxx number of pictures with weird captions and reply to each comment meticulously. If they don’t like your comment, threaten suicide.

Step 4: Keep tab of who wished and who didn’t while also pretending to be super busy.

Step 5: Look for cues to go into detailed discussion of how your married life is different and it doesn’t suck at all!

Step 6: Make it a point to wear hell lot of bangles to workplace.

Step 7: Start each sentence with ‘you know my husband also….’

Step 8: Grab single guys and take pity on them about how they don’t know what it is they are missing.

Step 9: Get up and go to the nearest corner when your phone rings while also smiling profusely so EVERYONE knows who it is (WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE).

Step 10: Reply everyone who wishes with ‘oh you should have come’. Now that its over, you can pretend to care.

Step 11: look for married ladiss or people with ‘I HAVE A BOYFRAAND/GIRLFRAAND’ signboard across their chest (or similar location) around you and be super social with them.

Step 12: Standard template of answer to the question ‘How was weekend’ should always contain ‘you know WE thought………, but …….’ ALWAYS.

These are just observations and I would like to say this with utmost sincerity that everything you find similar is fictitious. did you notice something else, have something to add? \m/oO\m/

15 Reasons not to watch ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’

*This is NOT a review, No Spoilers*

Finally Gangs of Wasseypur released and if it weren’t for the stupid John Doe order by the studio for this movie, as a moviegoer, I couldn’t have asked for more. But there are reasons you should avoid this movie. Oh yes, I found 15 of them. Surprised? Here are 15 reasons why you should avoid it:

1. You think Godfather (part 1 and 2) was just another movie.

2.  The name Tarantino doesn’t ring a bell/fire a shot.

3. You are a feminist, enough said.

4.   ‘A walk to remember’ is your favorite movie.

5.    You have never heard of ‘Haasil’.

6. You idolize Salman khan.

7. You recently had a bypass surgery.

8. Your dad is super excited about it and asks if you want to tag along.

9. You didn’t understand what was so epic about ‘Black Friday’.

10. You support MNS.

11. You don’t understand why everyone is so gung-ho about a certain Sneha Kanwalkar and think she’s over-rated.

12.  Politics is one area you don't like to bother yourself with.

13. You didn’t like ‘Love, Sex aur dhokha’

14. You find the seats of multiplexes a little too comforting.

15. You are a serial killer.

16. You remember i said only 15 reasons.

If you don’t fall in any of these categories, grab your bunch of friends, find your nearest ‘single’ screen theatre and savor the brilliance of cinema, watch it explode in your face one bullet at a time. Also, you are welcome. \m/oO\m/

Music accross genres: same or different

Recently I listened to the latest offering of coke studio (Pakistan, Indian version sucked) where aatif sang some nusrat song and it was kind of a reprise, of course with coke studio signature twist. Needless to say, loved it. Pure bliss. It kind of cemented my old belief that every music be it heavy metal or Indian classical is not too different from each other (except for rap and hip-hop because frankly speaking, I don’t understand it/that). During numerous drunk conversations during college times (yes, politics and music are the best ‘drunk debate’ topics), I have kind of defended my stand almost alone when people would refuse to believe, and understandably so, why and how two so different genres of music could possibly be similar in any way. Wish they aired sound trippin then.

  Earliest instances of music known to Indians was found in Kerala (source: the story of India: BBC) where mantras were passed on verbally by making it in music format for generations, some of them still going on. This sound was similar to noises birds make in different seasons. This verses/phrases of mantras were never scripted and was kept strictly verbal. In due course of time Indian classical evolved and with remarkable contributions from different maestros, got fine tuned. The history of heavy metal or rock n roll per se, isn’t that long (not judging here). Elvis primarily gets credit for bringing it to limelight and popular media but I am sure there were many other musicians as well. And if we talk music, opera comes really close to Indian classic in its purest form for the sheer effect of singer’s voice (taansen, anyone?). Unrelated, have you ever noticed a slim opera singer?

 Rock (and every format of metal referred to for sake of this post) basically has rebellion at heart. Every lyric deals or challenges a particular belief of society as we know it. Case in point, 2 minutes to midnight (iron maiden) dealt with female foeticide way back in 80’s(even before #SMJ). This holds true for each and every song you come across of this genre.  While the fabric of the song might deal with some life philosophy, the underlying fact always is about questioning society’s orthodox belief (extensive Pink Floyd is suggested if you disagree). And if we look into the folk songs or poetries by great Urdu writers (which more often than not get translated into songs), the same flavor is present. Probably the reason why ‘kahin dur jab din dhaljaye(anand)’ sounds erringly similar to a certain ‘wish you were here(pink floyd)’.

 Having said that, then there are folks who dismiss the very idea of a certain kind of music without listening to it citing reason such as too much music, weird lyrics; the very thing that sets it apart from other genres, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of comparison. I am sure lot of people wont agree but the point I am trying to make here is, the songs may look different  at the surface but delve a little deeper and you will see the similarity. Probably the reason Coke studio took everyone by surprise when some guys decided that it will be a pretty good idea to mix two completely different kind of music, it turned out to be pure awesomeness. The brilliance is visible when a guitar weilding Ali Azmat's Garaja baras (Rock, if I may?) and sufi/classical(a sublime Rahat Fateh Ali Khan) are mixedtogether. Seriously if you appreciate good music, try coke studio (Pakistan version, they ruined it in Indian version).

 Now, the argument can go both ways depending on the extent of your inclination towards your music, and some arguing in favor of fusion music, but I stick to my argument. Do you agree/disagree? \m/oO\m/